Monday, July 6, 2009

How to kill a Lion - Banking style?

How to kill a Lion - Banking style?


HSBC Method:
Hire a lion. Give him full rest & make him lazy, Pay him more than his
Expectation, never ask him to do any work for six months, after six
Months tell him that now you have to fulfill you your yearly target within six
Months otherwise u will be kicked out from the jungle. Lion dies due to
Fear, that if he lose s this "lazy animals jungle", where he will go.

ICICI method:
Hire a lion. Give him hell lot of work and pay him lower salary than his
Politically astute peers. Restructure his job, position, boss, colleagues,
Designation, department, salary, location every 6 months.
Remove all lions above 40 from the organization by giving those VRS.
If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day,
When there are just 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of exhaustion,
Overkill and restructuring.

HDFC method:
Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat. Give him lots of ESOPs and grass
to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation.

Citibank method:
Hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score
90% he will lose the job. Ask him to extract 60 kg meat out of a 40kg goat.
Lion dies of the strain.

ABN AMRO method:
Hire the lion. Give him high impossible targets and expect a premature
Delivery of these targets. If the targets are delivered, clap for him in a
town hall and if not delivered humiliate him regularly. Lion either dies
of excitement or starts behaving like Tom Hanks in Terminal.

StanChart method:
Hire a lion; motivate him to outshine other lions in the jungle. Load him
with impractical targets and if he finds the prey, ensure jackals in the
Jungles snatch the prey and the lion dies in oblivion......

Kotak method:
Hire a lion; load him with targets to focus on value instead of volume.
Every quarter change the style and make his life miserable. If he survives
in the system reward him with a hefty bonus.

RBI Method:
Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend
the circular at least three times a day. Send him on inspection to the
jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting license of any fox,
wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the 3000 page
circular. Lion dies of boredom.

SBI Method:
Recruits a lion, gives him the power of mouse. Lion dies of over
Expectation and no results.............

IDBI method:
Recruits a lion, Give him posting among cats. People call him manager but
he is actually a clerk. Expect to work as all rounder. Lion dies in
Frustration or escape to another jungle.

Deutsche Bank Method:
Hire a Lion. Tell him that you need to work most of the day & half the
night. Also tell him that all the Lions in the jungle are doing it & he
Shouldn’t mind doing it. Tell him that the work he does would make him
king, even though he would be paid like a pauper. Change the look of the
jungle twice in a year & tell him there's a new challenge for him, although
the animals & trees in the jungle remain the same (beats me.......what’s
the challenge). Give the Lion some irrationally motivational talks & tell
him to wait till the grass turns blue in the jungle.
Lion dies waiting.

Barclays Method:
Hire a lion by giving telling him how he will make a kill financially by
Coming to them. Pay him less and still convince him how his income has gone
up, confuse him completely about his financial condition. Once onboard put
him in a small jungle which no one has heard of and has no prey. Ask him to
go to other jungles and bring the prey first to his jungle, then wait before
killing it. He will die of traveling between jungles, long wait and
confusion


J P Morgan Style:

No Lion

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